I was holding off on writing anything until I had answers, until I had my head straight, until I was out of emotional and diagnostic limbo. But that's not going to happen any time soon - or maybe ever, honestly. I have spent the last couple of months spiraling down to some really dark places… Continue reading “I wish it was only a stress fracture” and other laments of a chronically injured piece of shit
Injury is isolating. Undiagnosed injury or illness is trying. Seeking diagnosis during a pandemic-induced shelter-in-place order is bringing up the deepest of feels. I know things could be worse, but that doesn't negate the darkness creeping in, which I typically keep at bay with regular physical activity.
Identifying fear-based behavior is a necessary step toward choosing healthier action. That is my motivation for sharing this very personal, yet not-all-that unique part of myself with you.
As it relates to the aforementioned failure, I'm about to admit some things that are highly personal, kind of embarrassing and likely to be perceived negatively. But they are feelings influencing my current reality. I can't change them without acknowledging them, so here goes….
It's 4:14 am. I can't sleep. I tried breathing from my toes up to the top of my head, but my mind just kept swirling and swirling. After a while, I gave in and decided to do "awake" things. Like most Wednesdays this winter, I had a scheduled workout for which the weather is not… Continue reading Confusion, followed by anxiety and fear
On realizing my potential: I don't know what I'm capable of and I want to find out. I, like so many others, have wasted many years waiting until the conditions were right to do things, and they never are. The time to start is now, whatever that looks like. So, I decided to work with a coach.
I'm not ready because I wore my body down little by little with every race after which I did not allow space for recovery. I'm not ready because I refused to miss an opportunity to take advantage of the warm, beautiful weather. I'm not ready because I never go to bed early enough for the 3:30 am wake up calls, and the sleep deprivation is compounding. I am not ready because I am depleted. Every run seems to feel more fatigued than the last, to the detriment of my attitude, my enjoyment and the quality of my company for those I run with. I am tired of feeling slow and weak. I am tired of tripping and falling on the trail. The only way to correct these things is not to push harder, but to pull back.
Like stress, a certain level of comparison is healthy, but go a hair beyond that and it quickly turns toxic. Comparison used as a tool to assign value is the real culprit.
...the goal has been achieved and no matter where you sit, some pointy rock edge is jamming you in the ass - it gets cold and windy and chances are a storm will roll in before too long. Before the journey down the mountain is even over, you find yourself already craving another and reminiscing about the journey up, almost wishing you were still headed in that direction.
Leave it to a songwriter to describe the purpose trail running serves for me better than I can myself...