running some of the trails, writing some of the words
I was holding off on writing anything until I had answers, until I had my head straight, until I was out of emotional and diagnostic limbo. But that's not going to happen any time soon - or maybe ever, honestly. I have spent the last couple of months spiraling down to some really dark places… Continue reading “I wish it was only a stress fracture” and other laments of a chronically injured piece of shit
Injury is isolating. Undiagnosed injury or illness is trying. Seeking diagnosis during a pandemic-induced shelter-in-place order is bringing up the deepest of feels. I know things could be worse, but that doesn't negate the darkness creeping in, which I typically keep at bay with regular physical activity.
Identifying fear-based behavior is a necessary step toward choosing healthier action. That is my motivation for sharing this very personal, yet not-all-that unique part of myself with you.
As it relates to the aforementioned failure, I'm about to admit some things that are highly personal, kind of embarrassing and likely to be perceived negatively. But they are feelings influencing my current reality. I can't change them without acknowledging them, so here goes….
"When fishermen can't go to sea, they repair the nets. Let the constraints of the time serve you in righting your relationship to your Self. Be mindful that rectification must come before progress. And as always, consider the uses of adversity."
Did you ever hear the phrase "exquisite pain" and be like wtf does that even mean? Me too. This phrase has always baffled me. Like most things I don't fully understand, I'm drawn to exploring it deeper.
"Will you win?" This was the question my 7 year old niece asked when I told her about an upcoming race. Upon answering with a definitive "no", she inquired further, "why are you doing it, then?" Why, indeed. I do it for emotional stability, physical health, to connect with nature, to work towards a goal,… Continue reading Why are you doing it, then?
Currently, I'm staring down the race schedule that somehow snuck up on me in the midst of all this. I never did get on a specific training plan, but for the last couple of months I've averaged 160 mi // 35,000' gainz, so I haven't been grossly neglecting the miles or the vert - just the speed-work and hill repeats that are critical to a solid performance. smh
While my unconscious has been busy processing all the disruption in my life, my ego went hog wild, partying and breaking valuables. It's not all that surprising, but while I was in it, I just knew I was miserable and couldn't figure out how to get out of it. That's when I remembered. I have a say in the matter.
In this era of vision boards and manifesting our desires, how is it different to 'create the life that I want' versus being attached to outcome? I once felt I had a handle on this concept, but as I contemplate it now, it seems to me it's a matter of how much control one has over the outcome that dictates how much suffering attachment creates.
