Hi stranger! How the shit are you?
I didn’t mean to ignore you, I’ve just had a lot going on, and it has occupied most of my waking hours and some of the sleepy ones too. The good news is that I stopped all the emotional flailing. I removed myself from an environment that was bringing out the worst in me. I let go of things I so crave but aren’t available to me. I’m feeling much more centered despite the whirlwind of the past few months. Here’s what I’ve been up to:
- went under contract on a condo while out of town
- closed on the condo in two weeks (loan paperwork, inspection, more loan paperwork, appraisal, final paperwork)
- quit my job
- started a new job
Currently, I’m staring down the race schedule that somehow snuck up on me in the midst of all this. I never did get on a specific training plan, but for the last couple of months I’ve averaged 160 mi // 35,000′ gainz, so I haven’t been grossly neglecting the miles or the vert – just the speed-work and hill repeats that are critical to a solid performance. smh
Right around mid-March, while I was traveling, there was a week where all I got in was a measly handful of shitty road miles. I had to make up dumb challenges to stay motivated as I dodged an unreasonable amount of shit smeared on the sidewalks. Whether human or dog, I can’t say. So when I got back to Boulder, I went balls out and put in a 53 mile week with 14,000′ vertical gain, followed up with a 46 mile week and another 8000′. I started to feel it in all the wrong ways. With a little help from Dr. Google, I self-diagnosed with ITBS, a typical beginner’s injury and got some advice from some other local trail runners that I admire and respect. Over the last month, I’ve been getting weekly acupuncture treatments, rolling and stretching. It’s made a HUGE difference and I’m looking forward to my first race next weekend.
I’m not exactly sure how to train in between since I have two A races that are very different. I’ve gotten some great advice, again, from local trail runners that I admire and respect. I’m going to take it all in, assimilate the information, listen to my body and go with it. I’d love to hear how you would train between these three races – tell me!
It’s no secret. I’ve been flailing.
Anyone close to me lately has seen the signs that I lost my way. I can’t stop thinking about my last blog post – although it contains many complete sentences, it feels completely incoherent. I’m leaving it up to demonstrate that sometimes it’s hard to stay focused on the right and positive things, to demonstrate my humanity. The funny thing is, that post took me forever to write and edit and write again, while this one is just flowing out of me. A sign that I’m on the right path.
This is the natural course of these big lessons in resistance. As the pace of change has quickened in my life, I have been resisting instead of remaining open and vulnerable. As a result, I’ve experienced a lot of darkness, confusion, grasping for control, the going down of rabbit holes and general overall emotional flailing. While my unconscious has been busy processing all the disruption in my life, my ego went hog wild, partying and breaking valuables. It’s not all that surprising, but while I was in it, I just knew I was miserable and couldn’t figure out how to get out of it. That’s when I remembered. I have a say in the matter.
Continue reading Re-calibration and redemption
When I was in high school, I was attracted to guys who were interested in having deep conversations about philosophy or economics or anything I was curious about, which was everything. The first and last to break me was one of those. He was one of the smartest people I’ve ever known and a true original thinker. I met him when I was his math tutor. He was crazy smart but didn’t care about proving it. He introduced me to the author Douglas Coupland and more specifically the book Life After God. I read it at least three times, reveling in the fact that someone could articulate with such sarcastic wit, the existential curiosity that lived within me.
Continue reading Craving leads to suffering, suffering leads to craving pizza
I “used to” have this superstition that if I acknowledged an area of my life that was going well or that I was excited about something, I would jinx it and it would all fall apart. I think I still feel that way to a degree. I keep the things that excite me to myself, especially when they are still delicately taking shape.
Continue reading I went to the dark recesses of my mind and all I got was this stupid blog post.
Nobody wants to deal with any of these, but if you’re a human adult, you’ve certainly encountered all of these things and probably taken them a bit too personally a time or two. If you’re me, you have become intimately familiar with each one of them, like a trio of sister-wives.
Continue reading Rejection. Failure. Loss.
The One Where She Ran
If you read my inaugural post, you may remember that I confessed to being too intimidated to join any of the RMR runs because it’s a large group of fast and furious runners that are much stronger and fitter than me. I promised that for every comment anyone made committing themselves to doing something they were afraid of, I would join one RMR run this year. Well, this week I attended the first one facing that all too familiar fear of “I’m not good enough”.
Continue reading Two tales of forward progress and facing fear
I choose to be happy!
What does that even mean? It means reducing behaviors and triggers for negative thought patterns that make me a miserable, angsty, shoegazer. It means having fun and surrounding myself with people who make me laugh. It means radical honesty, saying no, discipline, music, and saying yes a lot more often. It means giving fewer fucks and doing what feels good instead of what looks good. It means dancing to Sia at the gym even if I look like a total douche because it feels so good to do things that make me feel healthy and strong, particularly when accompanied by sweet jams. It means making myself a priority. It means having attitude. It means knowing how to avoid falling prey to self-doubt. Most importantly, it means not wasting another minute feeling less-than, unworthy, or insecure.
Continue reading Attitude
Did you know that there are approximately 40 calendars that exist in the world and 11 that are widely used today?!? I didn’t, until I just googled it. I did know, however, that our Gregorian new year is not the one and only new year celebrated around the world. Regardless of how arbitrary January 1 is, it is a great trigger for setting aside time to contemplate what to let go of and what to cultivate in the tiny segments of time that lie behind and ahead of us. It is a time to set goals, but do not confuse goals with the standard new year’s resolutions. Those tend
Continue reading #goals
As humans, it is easy to be lulled into complacency about what the future looks like based on the patterns of the past.
Woke up at 6:15, went to work, sent all the emails and did all the to-do’s, arrived to group run with one minute to spare, went home to melt skin with scalding shower necessary for raising core temperature, ate food, brushed teeth, read one page of book, fell asleep… repeat.
Continue reading The Myth of Permanence