It’s no secret. I’ve been flailing.
Anyone close to me lately has seen the signs that I lost my way. I can’t stop thinking about my last blog post – although it contains many complete sentences, it feels completely incoherent. I’m leaving it up to demonstrate that sometimes it’s hard to stay focused on the right and positive things, to demonstrate my humanity. The funny thing is, that post took me forever to write and edit and write again, while this one is just flowing out of me. A sign that I’m on the right path.
This is the natural course of these big lessons in resistance. As the pace of change has quickened in my life, I have been resisting instead of remaining open and vulnerable. As a result, I’ve experienced a lot of darkness, confusion, grasping for control, the going down of rabbit holes and general overall emotional flailing. While my unconscious has been busy processing all the disruption in my life, my ego went hog wild, partying and breaking valuables. It’s not all that surprising, but while I was in it, I just knew I was miserable and couldn’t figure out how to get out of it. That’s when I remembered. I have a say in the matter.
I can’t control others, I can’t control what happens in the world around me, but I can take hold of the reins in my mind. Maybe it was my super amazing long run yesterday that shook something loose. Maybe I finally just got fed up. Either way, I am on the precipice of a moment of letting go of the things in my life that cause me more angst than joy – as then I am free to live my life authentically. This realization feels like a giant exhale. After my trail time yesterday, I donated 5 boxes of stuffs and rid myself of a few tables I haven’t used in five years. It feels really good to clear out and I’m nowhere near done – physically or emotionally.
So now what? What is the next step in moving forward with this re-calibrated focus and intention?
Extreme self care.
Here’s what that means: a serious commitment to and discipline around the thoughts I allow to linger in my frontal lobe. Good bedtime hygiene – phone goes off an hour before my consistent, early bedtime. Singing loud and proud in the car, vibrating my throat chakra like a mofo. Speaking up when I don’t like the way I’m being treated or when I’m not getting what I need and either accepting the effort or saying goodbye; and being okay with either outcome. I must remember my worth. I must remember that just because something doesn’t currently exist in my life, doesn’t mean it never will. And no more depressing yet encouraging snaps on Instagram. I’m done being in the dark and I’m ready to step back into the light. I draw the line at no swearing though, I will still drop f-bombs on the road back to my true happy and fulfilled state.