winter trail, snowy trail, winter, snowy forest, snowy trees,

I went to the dark recesses of my mind and all I got was this stupid blog post.

I “used to” have this superstition that if I acknowledged an area of my life that was going well or that I was excited about something, I would jinx it and it would all fall apart.  I think I still feel that way to a degree.  I keep the things that excite me to myself, especially when they are still delicately taking shape.

I’m also hesitant to share the following thoughts because they’re not what I want to focus on, but it’s real and relevant, so rather than deny its existence, I will try to present it as an observation rather than a judgement.

I’ve been in a funk lately.  Not just a running funk either.  I still laugh a lot and have my bright and positive moments, but it’s been affecting me more than I care to admit.  I’ve been letting external events dictate how I feel, and the stories I’ve been telling myself…  oh Kat, stop telling yourself those stories!  They’re almost never true and then you just look like a dick.  Then there’s the anger…  where the shit is that coming from?? I actually got legit-angry on the trail today, which NEVER happens.  The demons started to bubble up and the only solution so far… loud, primal, grunting vocalizations.  That’s in part why I write – to discover a deeper knowledge in there somewhere.  It’s also why I run – to learn about moving through and settling into discomfort.  It’s time to face those demons that have taken squatters rights in my heart and mind for far too long.

I am not sure if I have a case of the “shoulds” or if I really should be worried about my training.  I need to be on a solid training plan starting yesterday, but not only am I not on one, I’m also getting derailed from my baseline running habit. The last couple of months, I’m all over the place – solid week of 42 mi with 10k of vert, followed by a deeply unsatisfying 14 mile week.  I’m torn because I don’t know how to keep up with all the things that are high priority and sometimes running has had to give, but that just sounds like an excuse.

I’m trying to do a lot.  Work stress won’t stop texting “U up?” in the wee hours of the night.  Winter showed up to the party and pissed in the punch bowl.  I’m in an active search to buy a condo, which means dropping everything to go see anything viable the moment it comes on the market.  I fear that I’m losing fitness.  Every week that goes by is another that I’m not on a proper training program for my 50K and 50 mi races this year.

I have always been driven when it comes to things that benefit my personal evolution.  I do my best to make time for those things.  I have all but eliminated TV, including streaming, but I also haven’t made enough time for sleep, a critical component to my personal evolution.  The only thing I can do is realize that the home search will come to a close, the job can’t stay turned up to 11 indefinitely, and everything else will pass or get better.  So, my friends – I fear I’ve come to the end of this post with nothing to offer but solidarity with those of you who are also struggling with something similar.  Maybe this time you have some advice for me.

 

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@trail_kat

Running some of the trails and taking some of the pictures. Discovering life on the trails.

8 thoughts on “I went to the dark recesses of my mind and all I got was this stupid blog post.”

  1. You’re acknowledging it and doing something about it—you’re more than half-way there! (And half-way closer than I am, but I’m also working on it.) Just keeping running on your path. You’ll get there!

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  2. Hey, want to share a little bit on the running aspect. I’m not super familiar with how much you have ran in the past, though I’m sure a 45 mile week wasn’t some new record 🙂 It was quite a bit of vert though, and just remember it can hit you like a ton of bricks, at any time in your training. What you described when you said you had a great week followed by a rather shitty one happened to me a lot when I first started ramping up my training, and right near the end before my race. I attribute the former to things like my body needing to adjust to all the vert i started doing and needing to recover, and the latter to me just being mentally and physically “over” all the training. Long story short: don’t be too hard on yourself 🙂 Maybe your legs just needed to chill out a little. Countless days when i was training where it was a struggle bus to even get out of bed by 8am bc I was so tired, much less go for a run. My bf would be like, uuuuh are you ok…as I lay in bed unable to move, even for coffee. But it’ll get better, don’t worry. In the end, my legs kept me going somehow, I finished the race even with all the shitty training weeks, and everything worked out, as it often does;) “grrrrrrr” (you know the sound) just let it out

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    1. Love this perspective! Thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds familiar and honestly, the 40+ mile weeks are actually a first for me. I topped out at about 30-35 during training for Moab.

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  3. Kat,
    It was great to meet you yesterday at the burro run. I get it, look at me. I can’t even run because I had back surgery 2 months ago. Every day I see how unfit I am getting, and all I can do is walk. I hate it, but I wake up each day hoping today will be better. Sometimes it is. I stress about gaining weight, losing muscle, losing fitness, losing my drive to do a 50k. I cry a lot. I aam 56, I am old, it’s harder to do all these things. But, I don’t beat myself up, and you shouldn’t do the same. Take care of some things forst tjat need your attention, your condo, a place to live. Put boundaries for your job, if that is possible. I understand, that happened to me. Put your phone down at 9pm, don’t pick it up. Sleep more, just that will give you more time to put those miles in. Don’t stress about the one thing that takes your stress away.

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    1. “Don’t stress about the one thing that takes your stress away.” Sage advice, thank you for this. You’re so right and thank you for sharing your personal experience and perspective. I’m so glad to have met you 😊

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