I “used to” have this superstition that if I acknowledged an area of my life that was going well or that I was excited about something, I would jinx it and it would all fall apart. I think I still feel that way to a degree. I keep the things that excite me to myself, especially when they are still delicately taking shape.
I’m also hesitant to share the following thoughts because they’re not what I want to focus on, but it’s real and relevant, so rather than deny its existence, I will try to present it as an observation rather than a judgement.
I’ve been in a funk lately. Not just a running funk either. I still laugh a lot and have my bright and positive moments, but it’s been affecting me more than I care to admit. I’ve been letting external events dictate how I feel, and the stories I’ve been telling myself… oh Kat, stop telling yourself those stories! They’re almost never true and then you just look like a dick. Then there’s the anger… where the shit is that coming from?? I actually got legit-angry on the trail today, which NEVER happens. The demons started to bubble up and the only solution so far… loud, primal, grunting vocalizations. That’s in part why I write – to discover a deeper knowledge in there somewhere. It’s also why I run – to learn about moving through and settling into discomfort. It’s time to face those demons that have taken squatters rights in my heart and mind for far too long.
I am not sure if I have a case of the “shoulds” or if I really should be worried about my training. I need to be on a solid training plan starting yesterday, but not only am I not on one, I’m also getting derailed from my baseline running habit. The last couple of months, I’m all over the place – solid week of 42 mi with 10k of vert, followed by a deeply unsatisfying 14 mile week. I’m torn because I don’t know how to keep up with all the things that are high priority and sometimes running has had to give, but that just sounds like an excuse.
I’m trying to do a lot. Work stress won’t stop texting “U up?” in the wee hours of the night. Winter showed up to the party and pissed in the punch bowl. I’m in an active search to buy a condo, which means dropping everything to go see anything viable the moment it comes on the market. I fear that I’m losing fitness. Every week that goes by is another that I’m not on a proper training program for my 50K and 50 mi races this year.
I have always been driven when it comes to things that benefit my personal evolution. I do my best to make time for those things. I have all but eliminated TV, including streaming, but I also haven’t made enough time for sleep, a critical component to my personal evolution. The only thing I can do is realize that the home search will come to a close, the job can’t stay turned up to 11 indefinitely, and everything else will pass or get better. So, my friends – I fear I’ve come to the end of this post with nothing to offer but solidarity with those of you who are also struggling with something similar. Maybe this time you have some advice for me.